This card took me quite a few weeks to create. I had to keep putting it down and coming back to it. It required a piercing together some of the most important life lessons and lightbulb moments I’ve come to understand over the last few years.

This affirmation reflects the innate yearning for love, belonging and connection to others and the surprising realization that awareness of self and vulnerability are prerequisites.

Maybe some have come to this understanding more easily, but for me, it has been life-changing. When I look back at my life, I can see that so many of my life experiences and decisions have been based on a search for connection. For most of my life, I had an overwhelming fear of truly being seen. I made myself small, refused to rock the boat. I tried my best to figure out who others wanted me to be and then fit myself into that framework. I built walls of armor around my inner truth so high that I had a hard time even finding myself. Each decision became a monumental mountain of fear. If I make the “wrong’ choice, you might not like me. Every decision felt like I was at risk of not belonging. I overthought, overperfected and made choices based on fear instead of based on an inner knowing of myself. It caused me to live in a constricted state of anxiety and exhaustion. This became such an unconscious defense mechanism that I didn’t even realize this was how I was operating until I really started trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.

How did this show up? Staying in places and with people longer than I should have, because the certain disconnection that came with leaving was physically painful. Saying yes to things, even though I didn’t really want to. It meant putting off things that were important to me. Overthinking every decision. Anxiety and insomnia running circles in my head. Exhaustion. Perfectionism and delayed action taking. Not knowing or saying how I really felt. A disconnection with my own sense of self. Regret, guilt, shame. Self-criticism. Cognitive dissonance. The feeling of not measuring up in comparison. I was never enough as is. Constantly trying to just do better, meet whatever bar was held over my head. Always trying to prove that I was worthy or that I had done enough to offset my mistakes. Avoidance. Placing everyone else’s needs above my own. Loneliness.

I am definitely still on this journey and probably will be my whole life. But, let me just explain why this realization has been life-changing so far.

What I’ve come to realize is that all of my unconscious ingrained ways of living were actually preventing me from having that sense of connection I was so desperately pursuing. When I came to this realization, I had a lot of layers to peel back to even find myself again. I hadn’t only limited true connection to others, I had disconnected from myself. I had told myself so many stories that were simply untrue.

It’s funny now how creativity has become such a core to my existence when I told myself for so long that I was not creative. These stories only served to place limits on what I thought was achievable and what I was willing to explore and share with others. When I re-found these areas of myself, it felt like what had been stagnant started blooming. It lit me up with joy and fullness and started a yearning for more. When I started figuring out who I really was, I felt so much lighter. I didn’t realize how heavy all that armor I was carrying around was. It gave me an anchor, a true north. Roots started growing that I could cling to when the storms rolled in. It felt like freedom. Decisions were easier because I had an internal compass to judge them against. It became less important what everyone else thought.

Putting this all into practice beyond my internal realignment was scarier. It started with small steps…speaking up in meetings at work, providing critical feedback to people I managed, volunteering for leadership opportunities. Work was easier because I had a track record of successful performance, trust in the team I was working with and a clear definition of my role and confidence in my skills. Each time I dared to step out of my comfort zone, it slowly built my confidence and lessened the fear of trying again. I learned how to use my voice to share my ideas and opinions and how to navigate difficult conversations. I learned to say no and to set boundaries. I used my voice to stand up for others, to teach, provide encouragement and empathy. I reduced my over perfecting, over analyzing and over thinking. This is still a struggle, but I’m leaps ahead of where I was. Instead of avoiding when I felt overwhelmed, I broke things down into smaller pieces. I stopped over-committing and over promising. I let myself rest and I asked for help. I released things that were not perfect without the crushing fear of everything falling apart. I gave myself grace. I will always make mistakes, but I am confident enough in myself that it doesn’t crush my self-worth. It becomes a learning opportunity. I started sharing my creativity with others. Tuning into myself tuned me into everything outside myself as well. It’s like the world slowly gained color I hadn’t been able to see. It still awes me just how beautiful life can be.

Instead of threatening connection, sharing my true self, my story, and my creativity has led to more connection. And it’s the lasting kind, because I’m being led to connect with people who share my values and interests. I have admired when others are vulnerable and have shared their own journeys. It is brave to put yourself out there and expose your imperfections. Doing so makes people feel less alone. It provides an opportunity for them to see someone else with similar struggles and goals they want to achieve. It provides a light in the darkness, a bridge between where they are and where they want to be. It offers a helping hand and a map through uncharted territory. It provides hope. It says we all belong no matter what your story is.

Vulnerability is not a weakness. It is confidence forged in the fires of challenge, a resilient determination to be authentic even in the face of uncertain results. It is the beautiful blooming of who we are and a willingness to share our stories. You have no idea who might be sitting alone in the dark. You may just hold the light they need to find their way home.

* I would highly recommend Brene Brown's book The Gift of Imperfections (and all her other books & TED talk). Her work really helped me along this journey.